Unanswered Questions

For the ones who choose to embark upon the journey of motherhood; from the beginning of even the thought of it, there is a sea of information out there. Anything and everything under the sun can be found instantly nowadays. Even with the endless advise from loved ones (and strangers at times), one has to find the answers that address our uncertainties on our own. So, in this way the struggle remains even in these modern days of information,comfort and accessibility.  It lies now in finding the right answers in the right places.For me early motherhood had been a  phase of self-discovery, unlearning and tweaking my mind and body to suit the new circumstances.

It has been a real roller coaster ride. Figuring out the responsible ways to take care of another tiny human life , finding your own parenting style, handling your craving for some “ME” time, thinking about your ambitions and aspirations, questioning your time management skills……the list is endless.

Eventually it all comes down to the physical and mental transformation which happens when a child comes along.  For some, physical changes and restoring it weighs higher in the scale; where for others it’s the psychological turbulence and calming the storm within. But every mother goes through both these one day or another. Some have it easy while others have it harder, where they see themselves make difficult choices everyday.  So let’s not judge  the choices other mothers/parents make with regards to herself/themselves or child. Believe me, It’s the best under their circumstances.

 

So, that is how i see motherhood. A couple of years down the line, I still have a list of my ‘unanswered questions’.  I am listing some of them out here (random order), and I will be eager to hear your thoughts on them.

1.  Why is it that in the initial days with my little girl, the foremost worrisome thought that kept raising it’s hand was: one day I’ll have to let go of her to make her own life with another man/ girl ( let’s be liberal people 😉) and a new family. Why!!! why???  My most precious heart living outside my body how will I see myself sanely through those days!!!

Was it because I feel that she will be outside her safety net? How do I make 1000% sure that the right choice of her life partner will be made and that she will be taken care of , loved and cherished. I know there are no guarantees to anything but I pray as a parent we help her in the right way to make the decision and have the foresight to identify the potential red flags sooner than later.

2. Is it natural that it took weeks for me not to feel like I am referring to a third person when I was referring to myself  as ‘Amma’ to my Lille girl? Why was  ‘Amma’ so hard to mouth, even when Eva and I we were alone together ?

3. For Eva’s first outing to her great grand parents home, why was I so paranoid about dressing her up ? Well I may not be a dandy but I know I have a fairly decent  dressing sense for myself. So choosing the right attire for my girl should have been an exciting moment but why I was so tensed and indecisive ? ( Thankfully after this incident it was a smooth ride 😉)

Thinking I would be responsible for her  life’s day to day decisions till she comes of age , did that thought make me nervous??

4. What do I do such that I don’t pass on my fears and demons to her? I really hope she develops her own preferences and her own grey areas of personality. I don’t really want the foundation of that process to be based on my life lessons, i’d rather she pick up from her own.

5. How can I recognize her talents and hone her hobbies in the formative years ? What all should I do to expose and groom her enough to identify her abilities in fields where she can someday find her calling.

There are numerous doubt’s and challenges everyday. One cruises through those rough tides and calm ones. Being a mother one has to think keeping in mind two core persons involved and yes of course the father of the child too..

Some days the answers come to you so naturally and on other days you keep struggling to get  fresh air and break away from the vicious cycle of it all. However, every morning you pick yourself up, keep aside (or try to at least) your short comings as an individual and be as good a parent as can be to your young one. That is my kind of motherhood.

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About the Author 

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Meet toddler mom Divya Ashish, who after deep-diving into project deadlines, surviving hours of corporate meetings, and running through those conference rooms without even a proper meal. Is staying afloat as the mother of 2 year old Eva (Read: BossBaby). Divya is passionate about photography and can be found on the instagram handle: click_di

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